It was late. I was tired. And after an hour-long phone conversation with a guy friend the other night I ended up crying myself to sleep. They were tears of frustration and tears of self-pity at my sad situation of singleness.
Until the next morning, when I got kind of pissed.
The guy I was talking to on the phone is a friend of about 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs with friendship, but for the most part have remained close and current relationships have always been a main topic of conversation for the two of us.
This boy friend is happily dating right now… so when he asked me about my status of dating or not I laughed saying, “Haha, you know me, my life has been pretty dry in that area for a while… of course I’m always talking to someone, but it never lasts.”
He responded by asking, “Why is that? Is it because you have things you need to work through with dating? Or is it because you’re talking to the wrong guys?”
I didn’t realize why in the moment, but I was a little hurt by the question. At that point we had been talking for a good 30 minutes about him. I asked him all about his work, family, selling his car, buying a house, his girlfriend… and when it came to me, the first thing he asked was about my dating life. And when I responded, “I don’t really have one right now” he wanted to get to the root of the problem as to why not.
This got me feeling sorry for myself. It made me think of my “lack” that I’m missing something. That I am messing up with boys and friends. That I can’t get a boyfriend. So we talked.
Eventually, we hung up joking in a fight over whether or not I was drunk over one glass of wine. (I hadn’t eaten dinner, and had a glass of wine. He said I’m a lightweight and that I sounded drunk on the phone, even though I hadn’t even finished drinking the glass. No way was I drunk! Haha.)
Soon after I hung up, the laughter stopped as I replayed his question over in my head and literally cried myself to sleep about my singleness. Like a relationship is the most important thing for a Christian girl, and I must be missing something, and it’s my fault for not having one.
Then. The next morning. I realized something.
Not ONCE in our phone convo did he ask me about anything except for my relationship status. He didn’t ask about work, my career, if I should job search other places, should I go to grad school, where I want to move next, the fact that I’m raising money for human trafficking victims through a triathlon this summer…
When it came to my life it was all about the lack of male companionship.
I think I’m doing some pretty cool $hit without a guy thank you very much. And there are SO many more important conversations to be had other than, “so why are you single again?”
And in a state of self-pity, I went with the conversation. I didn’t think to bring up all the cool things I have done/ am doing/ mulling over/ considering next with my life.
Boys, friends, and boyfriends. Of course that’s an interesting conversation with anyone. Who are you dating? What happened to that one guy? Etc. But it seems like that’s the main topic of conversation people care about, especially for Christian women. People in the church seem to get so excited about a woman’s new potential mate, but when it comes to her job search, promotion, or latest mission trip… those conversations don’t go very far.
Listen. There is nothing wrong with boyfriends and husbands. We do need male companionship, male energy, and male leadership in our lives. Those relationships ARE important. But that’s not why we exist as women. And after crying myself to sleep, it wasn’t till the next morning that I FINALLY came to realize: there is no lack. I’m not lacking anything at this point in my life.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35 says, “…I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
Right now, I need to remain faithful to the role God has called me to as I start my career off. Right now in life, I’m not in a place for a deep and intimate relationship with a boyfriend. I’m not the kind of girl to go chase a guy down, and even if I had a boyfriend, it would turn into a disaster! I would end up neglecting the guy because of my passion for work and raising awareness for human trafficking victims. Not to mention blog/ writing ideas and the potential for grad school!
This life that God has given me, my conversations, and my pursuits can be deep, full, and interesting. And my life doesn’t need to revolve around boyfriends.
Single ladies out there. Remain faithful to your calling. And at God’s direction the right guy will come. You are not lacking anything. Please don’t let people “fix” your singleness like it’s a problem because it’s not. And don’t chase guys down for the sake of other people or status. Instead, be brave and share the beauty of the cool things that are going on in your life- know that you are so much more than a relationship status!